February 2012
2 posts
Knowledge
He takes his seat across the table. Two glasses tower over their coasters as if to assert their dominance, forcing the thin pieces of cardboard to collect their sweat. A fan is toiling in the distance, each blade perpetually fighting a never ending supply of air. The sun demands it way through the slit of the shudders. A waitress comes by to check on them, but a simple head nod lets her know that...
May 2011
2 posts
Just when fear blinded me, you taught me to dream. I’ve learned that the world is bigger than me. You’re my daily dose of reality.
Here we go! South Africa!!! Follow my beautiful team and me at http://teamsawest2011.blogspot.com/
I also have a personal blog at http://piercedforhislegacy.blogspot.com/
love you all!
Beauty in surrender
It is a beautiful day today here in sunny Southern California. Despite the fact that it is finals week, and I have papers and homework out the ying yang, it is one of those days that you can’t help but to bask in the beauty of the day and seemingly forget about all the stresses in the world. My desk today has been the hammock I set up outside this morning.
But as I sit here, writing this...
April 2011
1 post
I'm an RA in Smith
I haven’t blogged in a long time. I gave it up for lent. Before I gave it up I was using it to dump all of the shit that was overflowing me in my wave of depression. It was my venting. For that, I am sorry to all who follow me.
However, tonight I need to spend some time figuring out this feeling.
I am an RA in Smith next year. Now for many schools that honestly doesn’t mean anything...
March 2011
6 posts
God is so incredibly faithful
I am beyond overjoyed today! It truly is amazing how when the wave of loss and chaos washes over me, God never fails to provide the breath of hope and endurance in its recession. I am at a loss for how sustained I am. I am at a loss for how protected I have been.I am at a loss for how loved I am!
To the cross I look.
To the cross I cling.
Of its suffering I do drink.
Of its work I do sing.
On it...
In Christ alone
Isn’t it funny how we can find dozens of distractions from what we claim we want the most?
I want to take a minute to be honest about a few things. I have been pissed off at God for a while now. I have been in this process since I got to Azusa of relearning how to do a lot of things, only this time I am trying to teach myself how to do them the correct way. It’s a lot like trying, at...
Consequences
Lately I have been in a place, overwhelmed with consequences. Some spring from a series of good, but difficult decisions on how to approach life. Some flow out of the choices made by those that went before me. And a few ooze from the pain of mistakes I have made.
The thing with consequences though, is that for good or bad, they must take their course. They cannot be shortchanged, rushed, or...
Today is one of those days that you wake up wishing you could crawl into a hole and not exist for a while. And it has only gotten progressively worse. Such is life sometimes.
You know what sucks about understanding something? It still doesn’t take the pain away. I mean sure, you can totally have a better appreciation for why those things happened, have more respect for the people involved, and maybe even a brighter hope for the outcome. But sometimes no amount of understanding will ever take the edge of that pain.
My life is so fucking frustrating right now on...
Discouraged
Lately I have been in a season of intense emotional and spiritual struggle. I am in a process, just as we all are. I have been on this process for the past two years and through the course of that time I have experienced some of the highest peaks along with the crazy valleys that need to be taken to get to those peaks.
However my process has shifted lately to the path of grieving. Grieving is a...
February 2011
4 posts
I don't know what to do
I’m too anxious to sleep. I’m too tired to function. For the first time in forever I have the apartment to myself and I love the silence. I want to write, to put into words the conflict in my chest. But that would be like trying to jot down the grandness of the alps. I don’t have the energy for that. I haven’t eaten all day, I should probably do that. But I don’t to...
There are those moments in life, for both good and bad, where words just seem pathetically insufficient…
It’s never enough to imagine,
It’s never enough in the minds eye.
Your face is seen by no one.
So if I can ask you for anything, I’m asking
Hold my hand, I’m sick of fighting in a foreign land.
Dreaming of home again when homes the only place I’ve never been.
Hart in hand, your child’s asking for the promise land.
And in your arms again, I find I’m closer than I’ve ever been.
...
Courage, teach me to be shy
Stones taught me to fly Love, it taught me to cry So come on courage, teach me to be shy ‘Cause its not hard to fall, When you float like a cannonball. Its not hard to grow When you know that you just don’t know
You know those moments where something resonates with you so deeply that you wish you could have owned it. You wish you could have written it, thought of it, put it to terms....
January 2011
9 posts
We are growing to be the minority
Did you know that in 1900 there were over 380 million Christians in Europe and less than 10 million on the entire continent of Africa? But today there are over 367 million Christians in Africa, comprising one fifth of the entire Christian church. — (Timothy Tennent Theology in the Context of World Christianity.)
Now I don’t have the statistic for how many Christians are in Europe now, but...
I have this dream for a church. This dream keeps me up all night sometimes. This dream is better than any dream I could ever have. It is a complicated dream, yet incredibly simple. It is an impossible dream, yet it is within reach. It is, for lack of sufficient adjectives, beautifully out of my control.
Happiness
Does God want us to be happy? I know, it is a scary thing to think of. We all want our God to be a God who protects, provides and comforts us. We want a God that will make us happy.
But I don’t know if God really cares if we are happy or not in any given instant. I think His heart breaks when our heart is bleeding. I think that He will go to the ends of the universe and back to protect us,...
There are things in this world that we will never be able to understand. Harsh realities of destruction and devastation. There are corners of this world that are so engulfed in darkness that it is impossible for us to imagine a light that could penetrate said darkness. There are corners of our hearts, much the same, that we don’t ever want to show, because we think that the light will only...
Happy Birthday
Two years ago this weekend I gave my life to Christ. Two years ago this weekend I became a Christian. Two years ago this weekend I embarked on the craziest, most intense ride of my life.
Looking back on these past two years, across the vast canyon of my experiences, insights, struggles, accomplishments, relationships, and moments, I can’t help but think, Did I live these past two years in...
Depression
It’s kind of a funny thing, depression. It is one of those things that just come up and engulfs you. You wake up sad, with a heavy heart that no matter what you do doesn’t seem to ever lighten. And in those moments of freedom, moments of sheer brilliance, you are free again, but not for long. For soon that blanket of darkness begins to circle. Tighter and tighter until you become so...
Fear
Fear is a funny thing. I might suggest that fear is the most powerful deterrent to any form of change, risk, or adventure. Fear drives us to do stupid things, insane things, things that we would never in our right mind do. It makes our heart race, adreanaline pump, emotions flare. Fear takes hold in the innermost depths of our souls, and threatens to tear down all that can be good.
I have seen it...
Dysfunction
“Abnormal or unhealthy interpersonal behavior or interaction within a group.”
My family.
It continually blows me away how incredibly dysfunctional my family is. Like seriously? How the hell did I grow up in that? How can a human being be so inconsistent, so incredibly and recklessly selfish, so utterly retarded in their cognitive reasoning, and lacking in their ability to to provide...
January 1, 2011
We talk about what it means to follow God nearly every day in church, touching vaguely on what that means, but never truly giving it any direction. And I completely understand, you don’t want to give it too much specificity — you almost want to leave it vague. That way people can search themselves and see what it is they are being called into follow. But I feel like there is an overwhelming...
December 2010
6 posts
This summer I want to
Go to South Africa
Climb in South Africa?
Go rafting in the Grand Canyon
Climb in the Grand Canyon
Climb at Joshua Tree
Climb in Malibu
Build something
Camp everywhere
Go to High Sierra
Climb at Boulder
Hike to the summit of Snowbowl…
In short, have multiple epic adventures! But as for now, it is 30 degrees outside and hailing, so I will continue to daydream
Bla
I have so many things flying around in me right now. I just wish one of them would finally land so i could deal with it, instead of blindly firing into the sky. So damn much to do, and so little time it seems… I can’t wait to get back to school
Ministry can be Irony
Ministry is tough. It is one of those things that I believe people can be very good at, yet be desperately lacking in. It is one of those unique vocations where God’s great grace specifically touches the lives of those in great need. One of my classmates told me the other day that he thought ministry was about meeting people where they are at, introducing them to Jesus, and begging Jesus to touch...
You know, I always say that I can sleep when I am dead. In the last 60 hours, in between rearranging the apartment with the roomies (for the sake of procrastination of course) at 1 in the morning, amazing convos on the phone with amazing people, funals (and all the papers and studying that that entails) and other, unnameable shenanigans, I have gotten something short of 10 hours of sleep. I should...
Exodus/Deuteronomy
Seriously?!?! Like really right now?
Sure, let’s have a Bible class that has a “comprehensive” final over Deuteronomy whose main questions involve bullshit recall answers. I mean, it’s not like the whole idea of this class was to try to analyze, synthesize or understand what was going on… right? Let’s not have questions that talk about the implications of the...
Yuck. The end of the semester sentiments just hit me, what with having to get ready to say goodbye to everyone and such.
I am ridiculously beyond stressed about school right now… and I don’t even know why, because I NEVER stress about school. Maybe I just need to go climb?
November 2010
6 posts
When your friends become more of a family than anything else, it becomes really difficult to leave them. Patty just left (finally after an 8 hour delay) and Shane is gone too. It’s not nearly as fun being home alone as it was when I was 10. Ugh…
I’m sick of going to church to hear topical sermons. Sermons that use dozens of excerpts from passages all throughout the Bible to make a point, as if I was incompetent enough to not be able to pick up on what was said the first six times. I’m sick of being surrounded by the topical love of God. I’m sick of how loosely we throw around the word unconditional, as if that were the...
As I was walking from west back to east today I was just trying to keep myself composed. Lately I have been so overwhelmed with life, it has been right at the back of my throat. Ever present, always threatening to attack when I least need it to. I can’t focus on anything because every time I try to be productive, my shit is always right there. Always screaming for me to acknowledge it.
So...
So I haven’t blogged in a while. I haven’t really written much in terms of who I am in a while. I haven’t looked into what’s going on within me.
I’m at this point right now where I am trying to write an essay. It isn’t due for another two days, but I have 3 more just like it due by Thursday, so I am trying to stay on top of things. But I can’t stay...
I love when I get an idea for ministry! I effing hate having to bring my brain back to homework
October 2010
16 posts
Perspective
Being single is a strange concept. It truly is. We were built for union, a sense of togetherness that is only fulfilled through community. But there are moments in our lives where we must retreat from the community, run to the desert, and meditate on our lives.
This is where I have been lately, lost in the translation of discovering who I am and how I fit into that community. At first it was...
Self realization #312
I cannot for the life of me understand and apply anything I read unless it is in a narrative. If it isn’t a narrative, I have to talk to people about it and hear what they got from it. I love stories. I hate text books.
This is my rant for the day
Pass over it if you think Christian’s shouldn’t swear, or are offended easily…
Dads fucking suck
Now obviously not all of them, but holy shit have we dropped the ball as a gender. Like honestly, where do we get the idea that we can just up and leave? Or the notion that financial support is the only role in our families’ lives?
When did academic or athletic performance...
I’m in love!
I’m in love with Jesus.
I’m in love with ministry.
I’m in love with people.
I’m in love with the processes that piss me off sometimes.
I’m in love with the doubt that grips us so tightly sometimes.
I’m in love with the questions that spring from that doubt and process.
I’m in love with truth and the adventure towards truth.
...
Ministry
It makes my stomach drop. Gives me that feeling of wanting to throw up. The weight of its gravity hits me like the pressure of speaking to a crowd of thousands. It gives me anxiety, nerves, and a massive lack of saliva to speak with. It’s kind of like the feeling you get when you are 20 feet above your last piece on a super hard climb. You look down and know that you’re going to take...
As I was washing the dishes today, thinking about a friend of mine and how quickly I get angered because he continually doesn’t listen to the wisdom I know to be true, I got a new perspective on love.
This friend of mine keeps running back to the same old thing that he has always known as comfort. He builds his entire reality on it. It is quite destructive actually. I know this because I...
I don’t even know why but I can’t stop thinking about Kenya. Like seriously? I know almost nothing about the country, nothing about the people, and nothing about what my involvement with this country may or may not be. But every time I turn around it is there, smacking me in the face, hinting to me something greater than I can even fully conceive.
And then today in my CLFM class...
There are too many distractions in my brain. It has taken me two hours to do something that should have taken me 30 minutes. There just isn’t enough room for school in my brain. I wonder if it will always be this way with my life?
The Broken clock is a comfort It helps me sleep tonight Maybe it can stop tomorrow From stealing all my time And I am here still waiting Though I still have my doubts I am damaged at best Like you’ve already figured out I’m falling apart I’m barely breathing With a broken heart That’s still beating In the pain There is healing In your name I find meaning So I’m...
I want to say something profound. I need to say something meaningful. I wish I could stay focused. Sometimes I’m looking through the darkness into the light. Other moments I am so overwhelmed by the darkness that I begin to suffocate under the pressure of all this. Yet there are also moments where I can pretend I see the light, make believe that I am ok, smile, laugh, create the facade that...
Isn't it funny how we barely know ourselves?
If we crawl
'Til we can walk again
Then we'll run
Until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll fly
Until there is no end
So lets crawl, crawl, crawl
Back to love
I’m ready to move forwards. I just don’t know that I want to look back…
Caves
I like caves.
There are so many cool aspects to a cave. They can be explored, they possess hidden treasures, they are grand and beautiful.
But right now I like them because they are dark. There is no sunlight in a cave. They are long, capable of disorienting. They can be narrow and tough to squeeze through.
I like caves. I wish I could be in one now