Being single is a strange concept. It truly is. We were built for union, a sense of togetherness that is only fulfilled through community. But there are moments in our lives where we must retreat from the community, run to the desert, and meditate on our lives. 

This is where I have been lately, lost in the translation of discovering who I am and how I fit into that community. At first it was difficult to be single. Difficult to go from being able to get that physical comfort; the hug when you needed it or the hand hold that always put a smile on your face. But as time passes, these things fade and you begin to realize that those stupid quarks your roommates have go so much further than that hand hold. The words of encouragement and wisdom from a close friend feel so much better than the hugs you thought were intimate until you began to invest more in this new friendship. 

But then we run into a different problem. We are committed to this time of solitude, but we know people still have romantic feelings for us. We like to think others also have romantic feelings for us. In some of those situations, we may wish to reciprocate those feelings. But we are committed, already stranded in the desert. So we decide to be up front with these people: tell them ‘Hey, you are absolutely incredible and I respect and love the crap out of you, but I really do need to explore and remedy some of my bad habits before I can even begin to think about a relationship.’ We feel ok with that. We can recognize that that was a healthy boundary filled with honesty and love. But it still hurt a little. It still left us in a panic, ‘what if she runs away now? what if I hurt her feelings? what if I am actually going to have to be alone?’

Huh, isn’t that ironic?

But we know what we did was the right thing to do. We know that we are in the desert for a reason, and until that reason is fulfilled, we should not leave it. So we take it one step forward, and encourage amazing people to come into the lives of the incredible women we were honest with. We think ‘gosh she is so amazing, she really deserves someone of awesome quality like him.’ So, because we love both of these people, and because we are being honest with ourselves about what we need to do and how that effects our decisions, we put forth that encouragement. But then we find that that hurt even more. Put us in a panic even more prevalent panic than before. “what if this dude, no matter how much I love him and think highly of him, comes in and takes all of the time that I got with her? what if she doesn’t think about me anymore? what if I am really and truly going to let go and be alone?’

That’s the hard part. That’s the thing that I see so many of us struggle with. That is what I am struggling with. 

Being single is so much easier when we know that we have someone to “fall back on”. It takes away the risk of being single when we know we are liked, because then it is totally in our control as to whether or not we choose to stay single and in the desert or choose to jump back in the game and play with the broken leg. It deters from us trusting in God. Not to mention, we all are naturally wired for community, and crave that pice where we want to be romantically wanted. 

But as a wise friend reminded me, it isn’t about these relationships here. It’s about our relationship with God, and when we have our perspectives right, focused on Him first, then it won’t even matter who doesn’t romantically want to be involved with us. When my perspective is on God first, it won’t matter if she is thinking about me or not. When my perspective is in the right place, it won’t matter if she begins to fall for him or not. When my perspective is in the right place, I can then begin to properly heal my brokenness through the grace and wisdom of God, so that when she does come along, I will be a better man for her. 

Why is it that we so desperately run from what we need to what we think we want?