So I haven’t blogged in a while. I haven’t really written much in terms of who I am in a while. I haven’t looked into what’s going on within me. 

I’m at this point right now where I am trying to write an essay. It isn’t due for another two days, but I have 3 more just like it due by Thursday, so I am trying to stay on top of things. But I can’t stay focused. I can’t even tolerate sitting in my chair to write. And it’s not that I can’t tolerate writing, I think it’s more like I can’t tolerate stillness right now. 

I am exhausted. Worn out beyond my own recognition. It isn’t the type of exhausted where you just got in from baseball practice, or the type of exhaustion you get from working a 12 hour day. No, it’s the type of exhaustion I could imagine soldiers in the field must feel. It’s the exhaustion that comes from the constant battle of forcing yourself to move from one foxhole to the other while bombs and machine gun clatter is the only thing you can hear. It is that battle, not with the enemy, but with the gut wrenching fear. The exhaustion of fighting against your natural desire to avoid pain. 

The exhaustion that comes with analyzing every self movement, every self motivation, every self decision. 

That, I could speculate, is the soldiers most exhausting battle. But when you add on top of that the every day functions, the every day tasks that must be completed, his life becomes daunting. There is no time to analyze this fear. Only time to react to it. But what if his reaction costs him everything? Thus far it has been a lot of God keeping him alive, but what about that one time that he could jump in fear at the pop of a bomb, intend of dive? What if his buddy needs him, but his reaction to the fear of changing foxholes costs his friend? How could he reconcile that?

Thus is the level of exhaustion I feel. Not to in any way try to compare myself to someone who has actually lived this out. But right now I feel immobilized in that fear. I refuse to come out of the safety of my foxhole, despite the ticking grenade lying at my feet. 

I know what needs to be done, but I hide behind the work that the world demands of me. School is not horribly hard, but I am at that place in the semester where self introspection, social life, sleep, and academics cannot coexist. Thus the first to go is sleep, followed by and attempt at adequate introspection, leaving me burned out. 

And yet I waste time writing this? Ugh… I want the world to melt away for a week