As I was walking from west back to east today I was just trying to keep myself composed. Lately I have been so overwhelmed with life, it has been right at the back of my throat. Ever present, always threatening to attack when I least need it to. I can’t focus on anything because every time I try to be productive, my shit is always right there. Always screaming for me to acknowledge it. 

So I decided to walk back to my apartment, and just let myself feel. As I walked I felt the weight of what I can only describe as pathetic. I look at areas of my life in a way that my good friend described to me on a trip to San Diego one time. We were living amongst the homeless at the time, and the only thing he could think of to describe it was pathetic. His heart broke for them because of how helpless they were, how their daily lives functioned out of discomfort. Pathetic in the sense of watching an infant attempt to swim. 

But before I go any further, let me qualify that pathetic is not such a negative term as we have the tendency to coin it. In this sense, pathetic is that feeling of helpless discomfort, were we can acknowledge that there is nothing we can possibly do to move ourselves out of it. As in the infant, no matter how hard he tries, he would not be able to swim, and he would drown if it were up to him to figure it out. 

While I was in the midst of felling the discouragement of this patheticness, it hit me. Isn’t this what I have always asked for? Isn’t this exactly where I have wanted to be? For the past two years I have asked to be uncomfortable, asked to be challenged, asked to have the opportunity to continually recognize the futility of my efforts. 

And currently… well currently I am uncomfortable. My main source of communication within my community of support, my phone, has been turned off and I honestly don’t know when it will be turned back on. I am scraping by financially and if it weren’t for amazing friends I would be completely upside down. Academically, I am so stretched by my inability to stay focused, that I can’t do it alone. Emotionally I am an effing wreck, just barely able to keep control over this raging sea inside me. I am isolated, by all standards that I would try to run to. Spiritually, I have shut down. It has been a daily function lately to simply survive.

But then I heard these lyrics, 

Great is Your faithfulness oh God
You wrestle with the sinner’s heart
You lead us by still waters in to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart

So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God

Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me

and I realized, I am smack dab in the midst of what I have been asking for. In my patheticness, I find strength. In my struggle, I am made whole. And today, that is enough for me to rejoice.