Lately I have been in a season of intense emotional and spiritual struggle. I am in a process, just as we all are. I have been on this process for the past two years and through the course of that time I have experienced some of the highest peaks along with the crazy valleys that need to be taken to get to those peaks.

However my process has shifted lately to the path of grieving. Grieving is a funny thing. It has a handful of stages — seven to be specific. 1. Shock and Denial. 2. Pain and Guilt. 3. Anger and Bargaining. 4.Depression, reflection and loneliness. 5.The upward turn. 6. Reconstruction and working through. 7. Acceptance and Hope.

Now there are a couple different schools of though on this, but from my experience, especially in my own life, these steps aren’t specifically a linear process. For instance, I have experienced all of these stages in increments, sometimes all at once and sometimes in a scattered order. I have been pissed off, hurt, shocked, guilty, lonely and encouraged all together. That’s what makes a process so beautifully complicated. There is no map to plot out your specific journey. Sure, sometimes we will get a map to the trail head, information about a couple of landmarks to make sure we are still on the trail, and the sun to track our direction. But the rest is just an adventure. We don’t know how long we will be on this trail or where specifically it will lead us. But I believe, at least in my life, it will lead to the base of the most majestic mountain, begging to be climbed. And that will be an entirely different journey — yet a continuation of the hike. 

But this process of grieving is complicated. Although I spent a lot of time in a lot of different stages, I have somehow struggled through the first 3 and found myself in this place of lonely reflection. For a while I was so pissed off that I could hardly function. It took all of my energy to be civil. And the thing was, I wasn’t mad at anyone or anything. I was just excessively frustrated. Not even climbing was a sufficient outlet for my frustrated anger. And before that, I was definitely in a long season of overwhelming pain. Most of my days I walked around with a mask on, hiding the tears and anguish just below the surface. All it took was one moment of my guard being down for me to want to break down. And I suppose it all did start with shock and denial. But the thing is, denial has been a good majority of the first 18 years of this thus fat 20 year long journey. For most of my life I have been the strong one, the one who carries on when no one else knows how they could even stand up. I spent a lot of those years denying the pain I felt, ignoring that piece of me that begged to just sit and rest. Most of those years were spent maturing aspects of my life that would facilitate the denying of that little boy inside of me crying out for everything a little boy needs. 

But now I am overwhelmingly chest deep into the 4th stage of depression, reflection, and loneliness. It is so strange for me because I know I am not alone. I am blessed to have more people in my life that love me and refuse to let me fail than I know what to do with. But I still feel so incredibly isolated. And I hate it, but not with the rage of hating something as if you would hate the person who burned your home to the ground. I hate it as one would hate the struggle of what a friend is going through. It isn’t an angry hate, but more of a somber, this really sucks, kind of hate. 

Half the time I find myself wanting to curl up in a ball and sleep. I have absolutely no motivation to do any of the “normal” college life things. Academia holds absolutely no priority in my life. It has become more of a hoop that I have to jump through to stay here than anything else. And that isn’t because I don’t love to learn, nor is it because I don’t want to learn. But how do you learn when 80 percent of your brain capacity is consumed with your process, and 100 percent of your energy is engulfed in your walk? I have been excessively discouraged lately because I feel like I am learning nothing in my classes and only doing enough to get by. But the truth is, I am doing as much as I possibly can right now. My relationships also have become a discouragement to me because I feel like I am a horrible friend to those I love. I am impatient and frustrated with them. It’s not that I don’t love them, it’s just that I don’t have the patience for life right now. 

But here’s the crazy thing. I know I’m exactly where I am supposed to be. Contrary to what most people think, I don’t think kids go to college to get a degree. Sure, that’s a plus, and somehow society skewed it so that the degree is the end all be all of our generation. But college is about growing up, healing, learning how to do relationship, learning how to balance life, learning how to break out of our stupid bubbles. God brought me to APU for so much more than a degree. He brought me here to heal my wounds. He brought me here to cast my broken arms and legs. He brought me here to mold me into the man that can take that degree and use it in ways that this kid could never imagine. That is why I am in college. That is why I am in this process of momentary hurt and despair. 

Just like college, I won’t be here long. The pain will subside and the despair will flee. And although I am up to my neck, frantically kicking to stay afloat in this process, I know that wind will be calmed and the waves will be stilled. 

So until then, I shall continue this journey with full force. I will not relent, because the one who clams the sea does not relent. Pain in temporal, but the joy that comes in knowing I was alive to feel the pain is eternal. 

Therefore rejoice in our humanity, for in our weakness God works.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” ThereforeI will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. —  2 Corinthians 12:9