Isn’t it funny how we can find dozens of distractions from what we claim we want the most? 

I want to take a minute to be honest about a few things. I have been pissed off at God for a while now. I have been in this process since I got to Azusa of relearning how to do a lot of things, only this time I am trying to teach myself how to do them the correct way. It’s a lot like trying, at age 20, to teach yourself how to write with your left hand, after being right handed for so long. It is a slow process. It is a frustrating process. And honestly, it is a process that lately I have been utterly sick of. 

I have been mad at God because I am so fed up with this process. Because I am so damn sick of writing “the dog is brown” 900 times with my left hand, when I know I could do it in a matter of three seconds if I were to use my right hand. I am pissed at God because He keeps taking away all of these things that I run to for an escape from this process. I have lost a lot of things lately. Things from the ability to communicate with people I really care about, even to the ability to get up and walk, run, climb, slackline play… everything that I find comfort in. 

As a dear friend pointed out to me, God deals with me the same way I deal with life. Which in and of itself is beautiful — the fact that Jesus comes and meets me where I am and deals with me in a way that I will understand. But what sucks about that is that I don’t treat life like some fragile piece of art. Life is more like a soccer ball, perpetually being thrust into action, jolted back and forth, abruptly stopped only to be flung in another direction. So when God wants me to do something, it doesn’t necessarily come across as a gently whisper. A lot of the times it is a rough slap in the face followed with a “Hey asshole, pull your head out! I love you. Now follow me!” 

And that is where I have been at. ignoring the call because I am pissed at my coach. Because I don’t understand why the hell I have to run all these fucking suicides. 

But the thing is, most of the time coaches make you run until you puke — or at least all of my coaches did — so that I could be in the best possible shape for the game. So that I could get my head around the concept that sometimes I don’t understand why I have to practice this thing, but my coach does, so I better just shut up and do the drill. 

I’ve been rebelling a lot lately. I’ve tried to run to all my comforts. And one by one, each one of them have been taken away. 

I can hear God saying “dude, just lean on me. I know you love climbing, I know you care about those people, I know you can’t stand being stuck on that couch, I know you are fed up, I know you are exhausted. So just stop. And let me be all of those things and so much more.”

Jesus, I see you. I get it now. I am sorry it took so long. I am sorry I kept running from what you wanted. I’m sorry I was so mad at you for so long. It is funny how, for as much as I hate this, I know you are right. And as much as I know you are right, I hate giving this up. But Jesus, I’m done fighting against you. I’m done because I know that I am wrong. Fix my eyes on you Jesus. Help me to be obedient. Help me to be faithful. I love you Abba.

Amen